The S&P 500

Tilly Dally’s Funmusement Park announced on Wednesday (March 10) the construction of a new ride that answers the question: “What would the stock market feel like if it were a roller coaster?”

The ride, codenamed “Operation Quantitative Pleasing”, is modeled after the historical chart of the S&P 500. It starts at sea level and continues to rise and fall, with every movement up an incline ejecting at least one impoverished person off the ride to an undisclosed location. Meanwhile, wealthy riders of Operation Quantitative Pleasing can enjoy the gradual ascent of the ride into its destination: the sun.

“We wanted…

Chucky Dorado with his radical Red Riding Wagon before it self-destructed

The popularization of self-destruct buttons over the last few years has grappled the commodity industry. But after one Missouri mom saw her little Chucky’s Red Riding Wagon explode in their front yard, she began to ask some questions.

“Why did my son’s wagon have a self-destruct button?” was one of the questions this mom asked. Her name is Ysabelle Dorado, a 34-year-old elementary school teacher who moonlights as an animal orthodontist. One Saturday morning, she let her youngest son Chucky run around the yard with his new Red Riding Wagon, which has topped the wagon sales charts for the last…

Yoda giving his famous “sex crazed” stare

The Star Wars franchise has been well-received for almost 50 years now, and it doesn’t seem to be leaving us any time soon; and for good reason. The series tends to play it safe when it comes to controversial topics such as race, religion or homosexuality. Why, then, did Scene 8b from Attack of the Clones ever even exist?

For those that are unfamiliar, Scene 8b was a once-thought-to-be-lost take of an alternate script where Yoda is seen receiving oral sex from Jedi Master Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson). The scene is graphic to say the least.

“Yeah, I thought…

Josiah Bennett, wishing that he could hear flavors

Josiah Bennett spent his Monday morning no different than he does his Tuesday mornings, Thursday mornings, Saturday mornings and Easter weekends — radiating hot a cup of frozen stew while his favorite morning radio show Giuseppe and the Sound Farm provided background noise.

But this Monday morning ended up different than his Tuesday mornings, Thursday mornings, Saturday mornings and Easter weekends. While shuffling appliances in his kitchen to make room for his third toaster (this one specifically for heating a delectable crunch into english muffins which no other toaster could), Bennett had moved his radio away from the kitchen sink…

Adult child standing next to Ted Cruz doll, ready to fight.

Though all evidence from the famous Bobo Doll experiment showed that children are not innately violent, researchers across America stumbled across an anthropological breakthrough when the famous clown was replaced by a different punching bag.

Dr. Oomlau Kamde said that he noticed a strange trend out of his kids whenever he would flip through the channels on the TV and — when hitting the Fox News channel — the face of Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) flashed onto the screen.

“My kids started going ham,” Dr. Kamde said. “One started to punch the other. …

The British show host was brutally attacked by a Muppet superfan for his snide remarks about Elmo’s basketball abilities

Popular host James Corden, after being accused of gayface by millions after portraying a flamboyant gay man in Ryan Murhphy’s film/musical “The Prom,” Corden finds himself in yet another bath of hot water which, this time, is being heated by Muppet fans.

In an interview with The LA Times last Tuesday, Corden admitted that he had little to no confidence that Elmo, the beloved red muppet from Sesame Street, would be able to make an NBA free throw.

I just don’t see it happening, I’m sorry! He’s got those noodle arms and limp grip and, to be honest, he just…

Elbow noodles have long stood as a staple of Italian American cuisine, but what do we really know about them. Harvard elbow scientist Doug McGugg has done a little bit of research on the matter, and found shocking results.

It seems that for decades, the American public has been under the impression that, like other noodles, elbows were a form of pasta. This could not be further from the truth. Dr. McGugg has found the true source of the elbow; toddlers.

From what I’ve been able to piece together, it seems these elbows have come from children spanning the ages…

Man picking up the newspaper (dramatization)

Peter Uglato stepped out his front door on Monday morning (Feb. 15) donned in his red and yellow checkered bathrobe matched with a pair of lightning-patterned boxer briefs. He strolled to the end of his driveway in the icy dawn and crunchily crouched to grab his local newspaper, disgusted by what he glimpsed on the front page.

The headline in question came from The Biweekly Chronicle Monthly, and read “New Bakery’s Dessert Bombs Exploding with Flavor”.

“It’s outrageous,” Uglato said. “I couldn’t believe our newspaper would be advertising a bake shop that was selling explosive devices. …

Donald Trump being a naughty boy

The second impeachment trial of Donald Trump came to a conclusion on Saturday (Feb. 13) with the Senate determining Donald Trump responsible for inciting the riot on the Capitol that took place Jan. 6 and sentencing him to 10 years of being a naughty little boy.

“His words we cannot take lightly,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “The way we had to duck under our desks and hide in the dark while those people marched on the Capitol… why, I think that makes Trump a real naughty boy; a devilish little rascal, who shall promptly serve time in…

A mafia (Left) or society of rodents (right) could be living in your walls. But which one?

As you sail away into a night of dreams and warm sweat, there are unfortunately occasions where dreamland gets interrupted by the sounds of shuffling in the wall, as if something is scampering around in there. But everyone asks the same question: am I dealing with rats or a sophisticated Italian crime family?

It’s important to know what kind of intruder you’re dealing with in your home and as important to learn how to discern between the two so to keep you and your family safe. First, let’s begin with some facts:

No matter the price of rent in your…

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