New Bobo Doll Experiment Shows Children Naturally Violent When Clown Replaced with Ted Cruz

Adult child standing next to Ted Cruz doll, ready to fight.

Though all evidence from the famous Bobo Doll experiment showed that children are not innately violent, researchers across America stumbled across an anthropological breakthrough when the famous clown was replaced by a different punching bag.

Dr. Oomlau Kamde said that he noticed a strange trend out of his kids whenever he would flip through the channels on the TV and — when hitting the Fox News channel — the face of Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) flashed onto the screen.

“My kids started going ham,” Dr. Kamde said. “One started to punch the other. And I noticed, once I saw what was on the screen, I wanted to punch something too.”

Down a television but up one hole in the wall, Dr. Kamde wrote his finding in a journal labeled “SECRET: NO WIVES ALLOWED”, which he said “he also keeps record of all his steamy dreams about neighbors and grilling.” But Dr. Kamde brushed the observation off, calling it a coincidence.

“In science,” he said, “if it happens once, it’s a coincidence. If it happens twice, that’s kind of nice. If it happens thrice, that’s twice as nice. But if it happens… what’s thrice but for four? Anybody know? Why are you writing this down I’m asking you a question. You’re nodding your head, is that a no? Okay, well, there’s got to be a word for it. I’ll make one up: fourapto.

“So let me start the saying again,” Dr. Kamde continued. “If it happens once, it’s a coincidence. If it happens twice, that’s kind of nice. If it happens thrice, that’s twice as nice. But if it happens fourapto, then get in your Ford Pinto because you just made a discovery.”

Over the next few days Dr. Kamde heard from his colleagues that their kids were growing more violent, too. Even the children of Dr. Fistjam Punchdown, whose children have earned accolades as “World’s Weakest Kids” five years running. At that point, Dr. Kamde realized what was at play.

Despite the old adage Dr. Kamde told us, he hopped into his Chevy Malibu down to Dr. Frasier Crane’s School for the Half Brained and Disorderly — named in honour of the TV character Dr. Frasier Crane, who every psychologist will grow irate about if anyone claims he was not a real person. There he set up an experiment where he placed children in a room with an authentic Bobo Doll and a doll with Ted Cruz’s natural body type. Sure enough, the kids began pounding the Ted Cruz doll to the point that researchers had to break the kids up and reinflate the doll just so the kids could beat it up again.

“I had never seen anything like it,” Dr. Kamde said. “You see these bulbous kids with their disproportioned bodies that they’re still trying to understand. And when I tell you it’s the most beautiful ballet I’ve ever seen, believe me. These kids looked prepared. I saw one even brought a flamethrower.”

We at The Nimrod could not confirm whether any of the other psychologists drive a Ford Pinto.

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