New Stock Market-Inspired Roller Coaster Launches Poor People on Ascent

The S&P 500

Tilly Dally’s Funmusement Park announced on Wednesday (March 10) the construction of a new ride that answers the question: “What would the stock market feel like if it were a roller coaster?”

The ride, codenamed “Operation Quantitative Pleasing”, is modeled after the historical chart of the S&P 500. It starts at sea level and continues to rise and fall, with every movement up an incline ejecting at least one impoverished person off the ride to an undisclosed location. Meanwhile, wealthy riders of Operation Quantitative Pleasing can enjoy the gradual ascent of the ride into its destination: the sun.

“We wanted to find a way to bring the thrilling fun of social classes to the amusement park world,” said Burt Beefer, CEO of Olmont — the nation’s leading company of owning other companies. “People carry their economic status as a weight on their chest, so why not try to find a new and quirky way to make that burden more of a ‘funden’. That’s the word fun and burden put together — you like that?”

Operation Quantitative Pleasing is just one of many socioeconomic-inspired rides to come to Tilly Dally’s Funmusement Park. Tilly Dally’s is also planning a Tilt-A-Whirl that allows unemployed people to spin a wheel that can be ridden only by people who work two jobs. Also in the works is a minimum-wage ferris wheel that takes place underwater, with the apex of the ride being the only place where riders can gasp for air.

“This is an exciting time for amusement parks,” Beefer said. “It’s been decades since the industry had this kind of revolution. Think about it, for most of your life you’ve thought of ride permissions with the phrase “you have to be this tall to.” But now, we’re reimagining it to be “you have to have this amount of means to.” Any time you turn an industry on its head, only good things happen.”

People wanting to attend Tilly Dally’s Funmusement Park must be aware that they have to bring their previous year’s Schedule C form and any W-2s or 1099s which they deem “relevant” before gaining admittance to the facility.

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