“This Article Doesn’t Tell the Whole Story!” Shouts Local Man Who Only Read Headline

Man picking up the newspaper (dramatization)

Peter Uglato stepped out his front door on Monday morning (Feb. 15) donned in his red and yellow checkered bathrobe matched with a pair of lightning-patterned boxer briefs. He strolled to the end of his driveway in the icy dawn and crunchily crouched to grab his local newspaper, disgusted by what he glimpsed on the front page.

The headline in question came from The Biweekly Chronicle Monthly, and read “New Bakery’s Dessert Bombs Exploding with Flavor”.

“It’s outrageous,” Uglato said. “I couldn’t believe our newspaper would be advertising a bake shop that was selling explosive devices. That shouldn’t be reported in a newspaper, it should be reported to authorities.”

Uglato went on a rampage upon grabbing the newspaper, hurling it as hard as he could at his mailbox less than a foot away.

“I’ve never seen him like this,” said Teresa Inanti-Uglato, wife to Peter. “Sometimes when he’s upset he’ll just angrily get on his riding mower and do laps around the house. But he never goes after the mailbox. The neighbors have been talking. We’ve become ‘The crazy house.’”

After coming inside from his rage-induced tirade, Peter threw the newspaper onto the kitchen island while the scent of rye bread and mustard coated the house’s air. Teresa could only get out of Peter that his anger came from the newspaper itself, so she picked it up and read the front page.

“I didn’t understand,” Teresa said. “It was just a story about a local business opening. Some of their products sounded quite good, too. And if they were actual bombs for sale, then I don’t know why it’s got my tummy grumbling. I don’t eat bombs.”

Teresa told Peter what the story was actually about and what followed was what the neighbors described as “funky animal noises.”

“He flipped the couch,” Teresa said. “I’ve never seen him flip the couch. When he gets angry sometimes he’ll take a weedwhacker to a beehive and fight hand-to-hand with every single bee. But he never does this.”

With his reputation in the neighborhood tarnished as a result of a misleading newspaper headline, Peter Uglato is suing The Biweekly Chronicle Monthly for damages up to $20 billion.

“It feels like the amount I’m worth,” said Uglato, who was recently laid off from his local Build-A-Bear workshop.

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